I feel kind of, ehh, today…

My sister just moved out this evening. Boo.  Not much to say on that topic. It sucks when your soul mate no longer lives with you.

Sissy and I on Thanksgiving Eve last year. My fave photo of us.

Next, my classes are sucky again this semester. I can only take one in my city and I have to make the effin’ long commute to take my other two. Plus, field work is all the way out there, too. It’s going to be another exhausting semester.

I am having some issues with wanting to lose weight the past two days. I want to lose so freakin badly. I think it’s because the weather has prevented me from running for nearly a week now. When I don’t run I forget that I want to be healthy so that I can be an awesome runner. I always have to have a goal and if it’s not a deliberately healthy goal, then losing weight becomes my priority. I think I need to run tomorrow regardless of the weather or else my head is likely to continue its downward spiral.

Today is what I ate Wednesday in blogland. I have no photos to show. Boo hoo. I ‘ll tell you what I had to eat already today…

Breakfast= Apple

Lunch= Bag of iceberg salad and carrot sticks

Dinner= Two Quesadillas made with Smart and Delicious Tortillas spread with weight watchers swiss cheese and salsa. and…

Bean burger patty that I made yesterday (white beans, s&p, 2 tbsp salsa, and cumin), pan-fried and topped with BBQ sauce and…

broccoli and cauliflower stir fried with pretty much every spice in my pantry (mostly cinnamon and onion powder), soy sauce, and grape jelly (the jelly ends up like a sweet glaze).

That’s it so far. Wait!!! I actually bought coffee creamer today. Big deal, trust me. It’s a special holiday flavor, Brown Sugar and Maple. Just right, It sweetened my coffee without overpowering it. I love maple so much. It makes me happy.

I still have to eat a lot more tonight if I’m going to prevent myself from losing weight. All of my food only totals 520 calories. That’s terrible. I had to work from 9-5 today, reorganizing stock rooms and I don’t know how I had the energy to do it having eaten only that measly breakfast and lunch. I’ll probably have 2 skinny cow ice cream cups and two chocolate vitamuffin tops spread with lots of pb, that will add an extra 800 calories to my day bringing my grand total up to…… 1220 for the day! That’s really pathetic for me. See, this is what happens if I don’t run.

I promise not to talk about calories and all of this mess very often. I am just having a particularly weird day. I always know if I’m having an off day because I smoke like a chimney and if I’m happy then I forget all about cigarettes and won’t have one.

Crappy post, I just needed to talk about my day. Now, I am just rambling.

Tell me something nice about your day, or a joke, or something light-hearted.


Today, I was a fiscally responsible adult…

Oh yes, I completed my tax returns from 2009/10. I did not file for the past two years. Why, you might ask? Because, finances make me throw up. I hate dealing with money. I decided that I will change all of that in 2012. I am not an irresponsible spender, I am just a financial avoider. I have insurance, credit cards, students loans, and other miscellanea that I choose to avoid paying because, like I said, I hate dealing with my money. I found out today that my student loans went back into deferment because I am back in school. So, huge weight off my shoulders. My previous tax returns will pay off a credit card that I used three years ago to pay for my rent/food/books when I lived on campus. Another huge relief for me. And, when I get this year’s tax returns, it will pay off the remainder of my credit card debt. Freedom!! This is what my blog is all about, becoming what I could have been, and this time I am becoming responsible for my financial state.

I am also becoming Ripped in 30, Jillian Michaels style. I did part 4 of the program for the first time today, I enjoyed that workout fo’ sho’. I am already sore and I love it. I wanted to go for a 6 mile run this morning but, Michigan finally realized it’s winter and dropped to 10 degrees. So, yeah, running was a no-go. I do need to decide which two half marathons I want to run and register so that I am committed. I think that one in June and September will be good. The marathon I want to run is the end of October so those two halfs should be timed pretty well. Does anybody have a good marathon training program? I want it. Now.

I am also starting to miss doing makeup. I am so sad that there isn’t a market for freelance makeup artistry around my area. Here is a photo of me at work, sigh…

Oh well, once I graduate I will once again have a job that I am passionate about. Just so you know (cuz I know you wanna know), my DREAM job is to teach middle school science in a low-income school in PORTLAND. Portland is my favorite city of all time. It’s so low-key, yet, there is always something to do. Saturday market, coffee shops open mics, museums, shopping, good food, art shows, festivals, and so much more. It’s only an hour to the mountains, two hours to the ocean. The weather is mild, the people are amazing. AHH!!! I want to go right now!!!!



What is your dream job?

What is a good marathon training program?

p.s. every single time I type “marathon” I end up typing “marathong”. I can not figure out how I manage to do that, one of these days it’s going to make it past my edits and into a blog post.

I can’t wait.

New Year’s Eve, yeah, it happened…

and I participated in it. Went to my fave bar, a jazzy type club, I went alone. I am strange like that. The bartender is amazing, she treats me well. She gives me the leftovers from the drinks she makes in the shaker thinger bobber. So, lots of free booze. Also, a couple bought me a glass of wine. Then, my friend Dr. Jameson showed up and bought me a glass of wine, as well. I left at 11:40 to go to the party my college church group was having. I wanted to ring in the new year with those who love me the most. My family through God. (and bless them, no one even mentioned that I had noticeably been drinking)

Last year, I dropped the ball at a dive bar and kissed a total doucher. Who, since that night, has dropped out of my life completely. My relationship with him drove me deeper in E.D. territory. I’m a much better person now than a year ago. I won’t lay out the details of it, too much to say. My e.d. is better in some ways and worse in others and that part sucks hard. But, overall, I’m happier and healthier and my life is completely changing. I’m moving back in with my mom (love her so much), quit my job (hate it so much), my sister and I will graduate this year, my brother will get married in February. So. Much.Change. All of it good for once.

I don’t make resolutions but, I do set goals. The only goal I had last year was to lose enough weight to scare people, mission accomplished but, a success it was not.

This year I have a few goals.

Run two half marathons. Run one marathon.


Make my baby sister (13 isn’t really a baby) my friend.

Create more normal eating habits (I’m not striving for perfection here but, I want all purging behavior gone, to eat the majority of my calories during the day instead of starving until 10 pm)

Maintain my weight and quit trying to get down to 100 pounds

There you have it. That’s all I have to say on the subject of New Year’s what-nots and what-have-you’s. I will leave you with a photo of me in my party dress. It’s a crappy photo as usual but, hey the bathroom is the only place I can get even mediocre lighting and have access to a mirror for posing.

Congratulations to all on making it to this New Year!! God Bless your lives. Love each other and your selves.

Today I was on a rant rampage…

apparently I think that I have the best advice for everyone, regardless of their problems. I also think that I am more sensible and logical than everyone else. Here is my biggest pet peeve: boy issues. My solution is always simple, drop the bastard. I literally said to my sister “Here is where I am different than other girls, I have self-control regarding guys” (pompous, right?). I then explained the following situation to her…

‘ Lately, I have been having the urge to get in touch with Josh again. I know that it’s just because I want the attention, I know that he will get all lovey-dovey and do boyfriend things. I love that feeling that I get when he fawns over me. I think I just want to feel loved and have someone to cuddle with, and take me on dates. I am different from other girls because I am resisting this urge because it’s selfish and I have no actual interest in Josh other than the way he makes me feel. Why can’t girls recognize the difference between loving someone and loving the way he makes you feel?’

This isn’t an exact account, that would take too long. But, man, I am a self-righteous bitch sometimes. It’s strange though, I don’t think any less of boy-crazy girls. This is because, although I think it’s complete, stupid, asinine behavior, I have my own issues that are just as, or even more idiotic. My brain then came up with this next thought. Just because someone deems your actions as stupid, senseless, or selfish doesn’t mean that they think you are a bad person. I have had so many close friends break up their friendships with other close friends because they didn’t recognize this. This happens alot in church groups because we confront each other about our bad behavior (hey, if your friends won’t reality check you, the world will and it will hurt worse). Additionally, if someone gets pissed at you because of your bad behavior, often times it’s because that person hates to see you hurt or in trouble. I am the same way with my sister when I see her being self-destructive I get mad because otherwise I would feel too much pain at her suffering.

My point comes down to this…

Just love each other, keep your judgements in your own head as best you can. Help each other make the best decisions we can. When your friends do bad/stupid things, help them pick themselves back up and keep on loving.

Now, run time. I did 6 miles this morning. At mile 3 my chest started hurting and it pissed me the hell off. I kept going although my lungs wanted to walk. Not my best time but, considering my chest pain I’m surprised I did this well.

Peek-a-boo with Mr. Garmin, pre-run.

Here are my stats…

Mile #                                  Time                          Split Distance         Pace

Summary 50:10.5 6.03 8:19
1 8:31.2 1.00 8:31
2 8:27.4 1.00 8:28
3 8:11.7 1.00 8:12
4 8:35.3 1.00 8:35
5 8:15.8 1.00 8:16
6 7:55.2 1.00 7:55
7 :13.9 0.03 8:10

I clearly picked up the pace for the last mile. My brain said, “Screw this bitch, get your ass home”. And get home I did.

I also made my favorite soup/stew thing. So dang good. I shall name it…

Fall in a Pot Soup

  • 1 cup chopped apple
  • 1/2 cup yellow onion
  • 1 clove fresh garlic
  • 1 cup diced carrot (I used canned only because I had it, if using fresh cook it first so that it’s soft)
  • I can pure pumpkin
  • tons of spices, definitely season to taste, I used tonssss of cinnamon.
  • also, pumpkin pie spice, salt, pepper, cinnamon stick ( necessary), onion and garlic powder, cardamom, ginger, thyme, oregano, 3 packets stevia (also amazing with maple syrup or brown sugar)

First, I saute the onions with a few spritzes of butter pan spray ( just enough to brown them without adding too many calories, I live by this stuff) then add the garlic in at the end. Then, add in the apple and half a cup of water. Bring to boil, this allows the apple to soften enough. Then, add in the can of pumpkin, carrots, and two cups of water. Add in all of your spices. Bring to boil and then reduce heat to super low and allow to cook for another hour or so. Add more water if it’s too thick for you. I added in another cup of water by the time it was done cooking.

So. Good. If I had vegetable stock I would have used that instead of water. Also, french onion soup mix is amazing in it as well. You can add in or sub whatever vegetables you want. I only suggest that you don’t add in a vegetable with too potent a flavor or else it will overwhelm the other flavors and mess up the sweet/savory vibe. Potatoes, celery, a few spinach leaves would all be wonderful additions. This soup is ridiculously healthy and full of nutritional goodness, also, my version today was only about 400 calories for the entire pot. I ate 1/3 of it along with ghetto garlic bread and steamed brussels sprouts. I had a massive fiber food baby after that.

Pheww, I guess that’s all. I will leave you with a photo that I was trying to sneak in my room before my sister caught me. I always get embarassed when I’m busted photographing myself.

Sneaky-Sneaky, Hide from Sissy

Today I was in the babysitter’s club…

for a 6-year-old named Isabella. Basically, it was Justin Bieber fest. All day. We also drew pictures, played with clay, and snacked. Snack time was almost a binge fest. I had a mini binge of about 500 calories. I call it a binge because it was frantic, unplanned, and I almost went waayyyy overboard. I knew it was because I was hungry. I think I need to do what every binge help advice tells me to do. Eat enough, eat at frequent enough intervals, and don’t let yourself get to the point of starving. Oh, well, crisis averted.

My day was wonderful. I loved babysitting Bella, she’s a different little girl to be sure but, she entertains me. I also have a soft spot for people who are a little strange. I always feel more like myself when I am around the little kiddies. Also, I am so preoccupied with them and their needs that I forget about food for a little while. Children are my escape from my neuroses. Her mom’s boyfriend arrived home an hour early with his 7-year-old son Camden but, I stayed anyway. I played with the kids a bit longer, Scott and I chatted about school, I challenged Cam with some math problems ( I am an el.ed. major). Then, Scott played a bunch of music recordings of his band and his own personal demos and soundbites. That man can rock.

My night has ended peacefully enough with dinner and lots of blog reading. I’ve also tried to start reading The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo but, I am having a difficult time calming my thoughts enough to pay attention to the story. I will try again tomorrow. Now, it is time for dessert as soon as this post is posted then, I need to get a good night’s sleep for tomorrow’s 6 mile run.

Today, I prevented a massive binge

by walking the hell away. I had eaten nothing but carrots at work so, when I opened a drawer to see a massive bag of peanuts I grabbed a handful and scarfed it down. I managed to tell myself no more. Then, on my lunch break someone brought in cupcakes and I ate one. I forced myself to leave and walk the mall so I wouldn’t eat anymore. I bought a diet Pepsi, calmed myself down and reminded myself that a normal person eat one, enjoys it, and moves on. I still don’t know now I kept myself from eating 5 more plus the bag of Doritos sitting by them.

I feel like my bingeing is close to being under control. I can NOT stand the guilt anymore. Plus, people are starting to notice my weight gain. They tell me that I look great. But, that just upsets me. I’ll be comfortable when I’m back down to 116-118 pounds. I am currently 122.2 pounds. I hate it. I know I look much better when I weigh more but, I hate that I gained the weight because I’m out of control. Shit, I hate the damn scale. I’m still a size zero so, why the hell do I care that I put on a few pounds. One day, one day I will be rid of the scale. It’s never too late to be what I could have been, free from the slavery of weight and calories.

Now, happy time talk.

Sugar plum Celestial Seasonings tea in my new Christmas zebra mug.

What's up sugar-plum?

Also, I did my hurr today. It’s all pretty and curly. Oops, I’m so bad at dressing myself, totally wearing the same thing as yesterday. Remember, makeup is what I’m good at.

Eww, dusty mirror. Remind me to tell you the story behind the Hello Kitty/ Lady Gaga mash-up painting hanging on my wall.

Love y’all, keep it binge free,