Today I was very unsettled…

I mean, I just don’t know what to do with myself on Spring Break.  I feel so lost without being scheduled from dawn to dusk. Yet, when I am so busy, all I want is a day off. I think I was more irritated that I woke up hungry and I just wanted to eat all day. It feels like i’ve been battling a binge all day. I ate more than I usually allow myself, I usually only eat 1400 cals/day. But, if I eat my normal late night meal I will be up to 1700+. Hold on, let me add up what I’ve already had

French toast flavored tofu(let me know if you want the recipe) -60

Mocha drinkx2- 100

Yogurt+Granola- 130

Spinach+Balsamic+Cheese- 50

Roll with tomato and brie- 100

Handful of chips=-100

Pita pizza- 145

Roast Veggies- 70

Bean burger- 100

Total-860

Crap, usually by now I have only had 550 cals at max. So, I feel super duper uncomfortable right now. I feel like I should exercise, but I’m too tired. I did take the dog for a 45 minute walk/jog earlier. Dammit, I hate this feeling. I want my usual 11p.m. huge meal, but I feel like I should make it smaller now so that I don’t cross my comfortable 1400 calorie limit.

On the other side, I should probably just eat my regular late night meal because I’ve dropped a bit of weight and everyone is starting to notice now. I am back down to 117 lbs. I have the feeling that I don’t want to stop losing, I have no idea at what point I want to stop. By the way, I am 5’6″.So, I am not underweight, but I want to be. I at least want to be at my lowest which is 110. To make myself sound even more ridiculous, I think I look my best at 130 lbs.

I like to be really small because I get treated differently. Everyone is more gentle with me, as if I am a breakable little girl who needs to be taken care of. I am actually very capable of taking care of myself, I just don’t want to have to. I also like the little things that go with being tiny, example: at the bar the other night my friend Z picked me up when hugging me and carried me under an awning out of the snow. I loved it. I just need a good slap in the face, something to remind me who I am.

I am a strong woman (not a weak little girl)

I don’t need male attention

Weight doesn’t define me

Food is not the enemy

Hold up, I feel like I am figuring some stuff out, as I am typing this. For the past week, I have had a lot of male attention, which I don’t usually seek out.  My ED was always at it’s worst when I had a guy in my life. The guys don’t look at me as a “sexy” person when I am so small. Yet, they are very drawn to me, like I am some little pixie girl that they need to love and protect. I love that feeling and the smaller I get, the more intensified the feeling is.

It sounds pathetic as I type this out and know that the public will read it. Blogging is good for a reality check. Pathetic as I may be in this moment, at least I am being honest. If anyone has any opinions on my behavior, feel free to comment. Positive, negative, or insightful commentary is all welcome. Just don’t be vulgar or cruel.

On a more fun note, I have been hoop dancing (youtube it). I was practicing bringing the hoop down from overhead and I wacked myself in the nose with it. I have been doing this move for weeks with no problem. But, dudes, I got hit so hard that I didn’t know what happened. I thought I was going to pass out or vomit from the pain. My nose isn’t broken but it’s bruised and my eyes are a little swollen. Hilarious. Man, I can feel the soreness even when  I’m chewing.

My "Dance Moms" face.

This is my “Dance Moms” face. Yes, I am judging them.

Ughh, I’m watching Dance Moms at the moment with my mumm and baby Tay. I want to throw one of my tap shoes at the screen then go outside for a ciggy.

Maybe I’ll just go for a drive and a smoke.

I want this day to be over. Now.

Peace, Love, and Chewing Gum,

Chelsea

 

Updated Notation: It is now 11:15 p.m.

I just downed approx. another 900 calories in pb, caramel, pretzels, and random bites. Yet, I still feel…empty? I bet in the morning I won’t have gained any weight. On days like this, where I feel insatiable, I don’t gain weight with a binge like this. I guess  my body just really freakin wants fuel. Ok, so todays recap. I was 117.8 this morning, ate approx 2700 calories. Now, let’s see what I weigh tomorrow. I feel like a scientist, trying to analyze and understand my mind and my body. Whateva…

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