Last Saturday of Spring Break…

So, what am I going to do?

I think I will go to the bar. I went last weekend and had fun. If I go tonight then I will have had enough of bar time to last me until the end of the semester. I am not a partyer or much of a drinker but, I still like to go out for a glass of wine or two on occasion.  I think that I will walk there for the following two reasons:

1) It will give me extra calories for a second glass of wine.

2) I won’t have to be a buzzed driver.

Two glasses of wine will have me pretty close to drunk. I also usually have a shot given to me if I stay out long enough for two drinks. So, I will be in no condition to drive. Win, Win for the walking scenario.

I really hope the bar has dj’s spinning records. They are fantastic. We’re talking Wu Tang Clan, disco remixes, dubstep, Motown, and it goes on. I love it. I don’t go to regular “clubs” that play pop songs while girls dressed head to toe in clearance Deb outfits grind on dudes wearing their pants on the floor with huge fake bling.

My only concern is how am I going to get my mom from  preventing me from walking there are 10 at night and returning at 1am. I don’t want to lie, hmmm. I’m going to have to be crafty. She’ll be ok with me walking there, maybe I’ll tell her that i’ll likely get a ride back from someone.  Hell, I don’t know.

Bonus: my weight is finally coming back down from the dual binge fest I had this week, 118.4 my friends. I just need to keep the booze from inducing another binge tonight and I will be well on track to be back to my 116-117 range within a few days.

The reason I like to weigh 116-117 is because it is just enough above being underweight to keep doctors and family happy. Also, I may want to weigh less but, I know that I need to have a stopping point that is within a healthy enough range. Also, when I binge, I am still usually under 120 and I CAN NOT stand being out of the teens. I believe I would be healthier if I put some more weight back on and I would look better as well. In the meantime, as long as I am not underweigh, 116-117 is going to have to be good enough.

I think I am going to try something new…

concerning the way I post on this wee blog. I think I may just continuously update a single post throughout the day. That way, I won’t have one large post to make at the end of the day. I will include the time of the update and follow with the post.

So, it is 12:36 at the moment, and I CAN NOT get motivation. I have been laying here in bed, just wishing I could crawl into a shell and hide for the next month. I managed to get up for 10 minutes to weigh myself, smoke, have a handful of lettuce, and make a mocha. I am pissed that my binge weight from two days ago isn’t coming off. So, I am even more cranky than when I woke up. I do not want to move at all today, that means I can’t consume as many calories as I would like to. Not that I particularly feel like eating anyway.

Moving on…

My sister’s poor puppy is being neutered today. Poor little buddy. I want my walking partner back. When he and I go for walks, I always end up in a good mood. It’s not just the exercise endorphin boost that I like. I feel as if life is good, like I can stop searching for happiness because I’ve found it in the simplicity of being free and yet not alone. Oliver come back to me!!!!

Maybe I am just cranky today because I still don’t have hot water and I need to go borrow a shower. I was fine without one yesterday (I don’t sweat) but, I need one today. It’s cold out and I don’t want to leave. Wahhh, boo, hiss. Crying baby up in here, that’s me.

Now, I am just rambling so that I don’t have to do anything productive. I ferreal need to get up off this ass and do something, anything.

Update 3:56pm:

Me before I get put together-

One Hour later-

What a difference an hour can make. But, my damned hair won’t cooperate. Probably because it’s kind of dirty, as usual. I’m off to make another mocha, this will bring my total up to 3 mochas for the day. I feel kind of like the Sesame Street Count now. I’ve had 1 yogurt! 2 Salads! 3 Mochas! and that’s the truth.

9:44 pm

I cleaned the bathroom with a toothbrush. Two loads of laundry. Cooked, ate, and cleaned up after dinner. Cuddled with poor neutered puppy.

Now what?

I am 25. I am witty and charming. I am attractive. I have no where to be tomorrow. and I am sitting behind my laptop, doing nothing, trying to come up with an excuse to tell my mom so that I can leave the house to smoke a cig.

Wow, I really need this semester to be over so that I can quit being so dramatic. There really is nothing stopping me from going out and having a good time.

Continuing update from last post…

I did not end my day at the 2800 cals that I had claimed on my last post. Oh no, I went back for more. The rest of my jar of pb, several scoops of pb from my sister’s jar, a pita with caramel and pb, rice krispie treat, s’more bar, 4 pieces of toast with butter and jelly (lots o butter), 3 large packs of trail mix, handfuls of honey mustard pretzels, spoonfuls of pot pie soup, croutons, creamer drunk straight from the bottle. Approx. total= 5500

Hysterical, I tell you what.

I haven’t actually felt too much guilt about it. I didn’t even restrict much yesterday, I logged 1200 calories. Today, my weight was 119.8. Up two pounds from Tuesday. Oh well. I think I don’t feel too much guilt after a binge because I know that I will just get rid of the weight within a week.  The brightside- I did not puke any of it up. I just dealt with my bloated tummy.

Today, so far, I have eaten…

French Toast Tofu- 60 cal

Mocha- 50 cal

Veggie Salad- 40                         Total= 150

Moving on from food.

I took Oliver for a walk today.We have so much fun. I like that when I walk him, we make all kinds of new friends. Everyone wants to stop and pet him or have a quik chat with me. I can’t even help but smile. I needed to smile today.

I had woken up feeling like I just wanted to die. It was so hard to get motivated to do anything at all. I decided to go to Kohl’s, in my pajamas and unbrushed teeth, to buy a cute new shirt that would make me want to live for the rest of the day. Success!!

I feel pretty now. I didn’t put in the usual 1 hour effort into my hair and makeup that I usually do. But, I actually feel more comfortable since I am not so done up.  I have NO black eyeshadow on today.

Funny story. My hair is super shiny and soft today. Why? I washed it in ice cold water which seals the cuticle of your hair to make it nice and smooth. What possessed me to wash my hair in ice cold water you ask?

The water heater is broken.

I should have a gym membership just in case situations like this happen. Guaranteed shower. This isn’t the first time this year that I have been stuck without a shower.

Ok, just had a 10 minute break for carrot (40cal) and yogurt (60cal). Total for the day= 250.  I think I will go have another mocha to make it an even 300. Then, when I add in the rest of my food for the day I will be at 1550 by the time I go to sleep. I just can not let myself eat over 1600 (unless we’re talking about a binge). I have been this way for two years now. I never “voluntarily” eat over 1600 cals. I should probably try increasing my cals until I find out what my maintenance calories are. Then, actually eat that amount and attempt to maintain my weight. It would be better than this binge, restrict cycle that keep my weight maintained.

Gross, food talk always irritates the hell out of me. But, I can’t help myself.

Today I was very unsettled…

I mean, I just don’t know what to do with myself on Spring Break.  I feel so lost without being scheduled from dawn to dusk. Yet, when I am so busy, all I want is a day off. I think I was more irritated that I woke up hungry and I just wanted to eat all day. It feels like i’ve been battling a binge all day. I ate more than I usually allow myself, I usually only eat 1400 cals/day. But, if I eat my normal late night meal I will be up to 1700+. Hold on, let me add up what I’ve already had

French toast flavored tofu(let me know if you want the recipe) -60

Mocha drinkx2- 100

Yogurt+Granola- 130

Spinach+Balsamic+Cheese- 50

Roll with tomato and brie- 100

Handful of chips=-100

Pita pizza- 145

Roast Veggies- 70

Bean burger- 100

Total-860

Crap, usually by now I have only had 550 cals at max. So, I feel super duper uncomfortable right now. I feel like I should exercise, but I’m too tired. I did take the dog for a 45 minute walk/jog earlier. Dammit, I hate this feeling. I want my usual 11p.m. huge meal, but I feel like I should make it smaller now so that I don’t cross my comfortable 1400 calorie limit.

On the other side, I should probably just eat my regular late night meal because I’ve dropped a bit of weight and everyone is starting to notice now. I am back down to 117 lbs. I have the feeling that I don’t want to stop losing, I have no idea at what point I want to stop. By the way, I am 5’6″.So, I am not underweight, but I want to be. I at least want to be at my lowest which is 110. To make myself sound even more ridiculous, I think I look my best at 130 lbs.

I like to be really small because I get treated differently. Everyone is more gentle with me, as if I am a breakable little girl who needs to be taken care of. I am actually very capable of taking care of myself, I just don’t want to have to. I also like the little things that go with being tiny, example: at the bar the other night my friend Z picked me up when hugging me and carried me under an awning out of the snow. I loved it. I just need a good slap in the face, something to remind me who I am.

I am a strong woman (not a weak little girl)

I don’t need male attention

Weight doesn’t define me

Food is not the enemy

Hold up, I feel like I am figuring some stuff out, as I am typing this. For the past week, I have had a lot of male attention, which I don’t usually seek out.  My ED was always at it’s worst when I had a guy in my life. The guys don’t look at me as a “sexy” person when I am so small. Yet, they are very drawn to me, like I am some little pixie girl that they need to love and protect. I love that feeling and the smaller I get, the more intensified the feeling is.

It sounds pathetic as I type this out and know that the public will read it. Blogging is good for a reality check. Pathetic as I may be in this moment, at least I am being honest. If anyone has any opinions on my behavior, feel free to comment. Positive, negative, or insightful commentary is all welcome. Just don’t be vulgar or cruel.

On a more fun note, I have been hoop dancing (youtube it). I was practicing bringing the hoop down from overhead and I wacked myself in the nose with it. I have been doing this move for weeks with no problem. But, dudes, I got hit so hard that I didn’t know what happened. I thought I was going to pass out or vomit from the pain. My nose isn’t broken but it’s bruised and my eyes are a little swollen. Hilarious. Man, I can feel the soreness even when  I’m chewing.

My "Dance Moms" face.

This is my “Dance Moms” face. Yes, I am judging them.

Ughh, I’m watching Dance Moms at the moment with my mumm and baby Tay. I want to throw one of my tap shoes at the screen then go outside for a ciggy.

Maybe I’ll just go for a drive and a smoke.

I want this day to be over. Now.

Peace, Love, and Chewing Gum,

Chelsea

 

Updated Notation: It is now 11:15 p.m.

I just downed approx. another 900 calories in pb, caramel, pretzels, and random bites. Yet, I still feel…empty? I bet in the morning I won’t have gained any weight. On days like this, where I feel insatiable, I don’t gain weight with a binge like this. I guess  my body just really freakin wants fuel. Ok, so todays recap. I was 117.8 this morning, ate approx 2700 calories. Now, let’s see what I weigh tomorrow. I feel like a scientist, trying to analyze and understand my mind and my body. Whateva…

Today, I was….

A hoop dancer deluxe. I hula hooped for two and a half hours. I would have gone for longer but the bruises on my hand and forearms are now unbearable to hoop on for any longer.

I am not a natural hooper, but my dance background is making this new venture a not impossible task. I like hand hooping the best. My friend M introduced hooping to me, she is more of an acrobatic hooper. Her friend C is all about hooping around the body. The three of us together have been practicing in C’s basement. Next week, we will be renting out a dance studio for 25 bucks. We need the high ceiling and mirrors.

These two women are messed up with food as well. M is just kind of disordered. C could actually be diagnosed with an ED. She’s purged for so long, that even when she wants to eat, it doesn’t always stay down. We’ve been starting our practice sessions with food check-ups. M gets the truth out of us everytime. I am still undecided on how healthy it is for us to discuss our disorders with each other. It’s on the borderline where it could be beneficial and therapeutic or it could start turning into an unspoken “club” where it is acceptable to act out our eating disorders.

I don’t know.

But, the hooping is a blast. Here is the video that inspired me. (and this ain’t nothing compared to some other girls)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CyH-nG9z-Yk

Note to self: wear long sleeve shirt to field work tomorrow to avoid looking like abuse victim. I’ll try to get pictures of my arms posted tomorrow.

 

I’ve been away….

forever. Lord knows if anyone will read this. But, for my own purposes, I am going to update my itty bit of a blog.

I moved into my mumma’s home. I haven’t lived here since I was 18, and i’m now 25. Necessity is the reason I had to move, Love is why i’m staying. It feels so good to be with mumma, baby Tay, and my step-dad M. I felt like I never even moved out in the first place, feels like home.

College. Whoa. Crazy. 16 credits. With field work. And nearly 2 hour commute. Intense. But, it’s my last semester of professional classes. I will then student teach next winter, and then…. Done! I still have lots of other things to do before I graduate: CPR/First Aid, join SMEA, finish minor classes (easy as knitting), take all of my state tests, and send in grad application. These things are what I will be doing during fall, until winter student teaching starts up. I can’t believe I have made it to this point, I’ve been in college since I was 18, with a year and half gap in the middle. That is 6.5 years of full time school.

I have not been running. I stopped cold turkey. Eating disorder took over, I dropped a bit of weight but, it’s the bingeing/purging that really put the brakes on everything else in my life. It takes up so much time and energy. I had never, ever been like this before. I think it’s because I spend so much time alone in the mornings (when I should be doing homework or running) that my brain goes “OOh, free time! Let’s binge, then purge away the guilt!” Ick, I don’t want to talk about this crap.

Yesterday, the ex-boyfriend texted me out of nowhere. I actually said “Holy Crap, John-John!” outloud in the middle of a movie. He just wanted to chat and let me know that if there is anything I need, ever, or want to talk, he’s here for me. That boy just can’t stop loving me. Dammit.

I then went for a walk through my downtown to my favorite coffee shop. The sis tagged along. Of course, a guy I used to “hang” with was there (he works there, and never leaves), it’s always a bit awkward seeing him, maybe perhaps because we had the oddest relationship ever. Not dating, not screwing, not even talking a whole lot. I would just sleep over, we would cuddle, get breakfast, and that’s about it. For 3 months we did that.

His best friend/roommate was with him too. He used to have a bit of a thing for me too. I liked him well enough, but, he’s a Christian-basher, and I am most definitely Christian. I would have a hard enough time dating a non-christian, let alone someone who likes to insult them. But, he’s really sweet to me and it made my whole evening just to see him. So, end of story, it was boy fest yesterday and I was really glad that I made myself look good.

Today, what I am going to be, is lazy. I am scared to get out of bed for anything other than coffee because I don’t want to binge/purge. So, I think I will just catch-up on blogs, do homework, and watch youtube until it gets too late for me to b/p. Step-dad is home at 1:40, so I just need to keep myself safe until about 12:30.

I don’t know what I am going to do with myself.

Oh yeah, hula hooping to night. Check out hooping on youtube, it’s the bom-diggity. I’ve been practicing. Super addictive.

 

Much Love,

Chelsea

Today, I was an interior decorator…

by prettying up my room. It’s pointless because I’ll be moving into my mumma’s home in a few days. I had been cleaning and organizing when I got bit by the decorating bug. Fine by me.

The top of my dresser. I still need to subtract something but, I can't decide which.

Focal piece for my nighstand. I bunched together some peacock feathers, rhinestone buds, clearance roses from halloween, and a handmade ceramic base.

This ceramic piece was made by MOI!

Up close of the piece. I love the rhinestone buds.

Also, I miss my seeesterr.

Christmas with my honey. We matched our tops on purpose.

Not much else to say about today. A lot of stuff happened. I just don’t want to talk about it. I’ll get all worked up and stressed again. So, for the rest of my evening I will be blog reading. It’s fantastic escapism. I just live vicariously through all of you.